Thanks Grandma! Here's the Truth...

My grandma e-mailed me yesterday about my last blog post. Here's the beginning of her e-mail:

"hi,

I love your blog as it is down right the truth. It brings back memories of my days raising my 3 kids. You will be real busy for years."

Thank you grandma! Because of that encouragement I will continue to write the truth. Thankfulness mixed with sarcasm, perseverance mixed with frustration, wisdom mixed with stupidity... All the things that make up me and our days, I'll share with you all. 

Here's the truth for today: I am facing some major mom guilt. Harrison had his first "pulpotomy" or what we might think of as a toddler root canal this morning. Little to no more back molar, just a silver cap. He's three and a half! Fail. 

My feelings jump back and forth between disbelief and regret. Disbelief that the amount of sugar I've given him over the last seven months could actually rot his teeth. Here's the deal. Seven months ago I was strictly warned by the Dentist to stay away from gummy like candies/foods and from sugary drinks so guess what I did? Threw out all the jelly beans we were using for potty training and swore to never purchase another bag of fruit snacks ever again. I even watered down 100% organic apple juice... I got my first root canal when I was five at a dentist office on a military base. I remember it all and maybe that's why I'm so struck by what may seem to most a petty issue. I remember the pain to this day. The crying. Being told it didn't hurt... I wanted to save my child from the same trauma. Fail. Nope. Couldn't. I'm still in disbelief that after brushing his teeth twice a day with fluoride and even buying an automatic spin brush with a cute little chipmunk on front... he'd have two cavities! And the regret part, well, I think most mom's always ask, "could I have done more?". 

Nate had to take him, I couldn't. 

I told Nate to take him by Target and get him a set of Legos to try and erase the bad memories.

When Harrison returned he entered the front door and ran into my arms, head drooping, shaking. He was sad. Nate said he whimpered through the end even with the laughing gas. My heart broke. 

I reassured him that he was brave. Showed him my teeth and told him how many root canals I've had (that's a disturbing fact no one needs to know). I hugged him for a long time and then we put the Legos together. 

The numbing is starting to wear off and his smile is returning. 

Here's what I know. I will always fail at protecting my child from pain. In this life, pain is inevitable. I also know that pain can be for good. To remove the rot there had to be pain. To get a cavity filled was the right thing to do even though it was unpleasant.

I also know that it's hard knowing what your child is about to go through but having to send them into  the experience none the less. They're about to experience pain, they're scared, and you want to take the pain for them. You want to sit in the seat instead. While they cry and you can't stop the pain, you yourself still feel it in the depths of your heart. A different kind of pain, not a physical one but one that's felt in your spirit.

Jesus took all the pain for us and God the father felt it too. 

I experienced just a tiny piece of God's heart today. He doesn't want us to go through pain but he knows that some of it is good for us. It makes us stronger. We're able to live more empathetic lives, connecting with others who've suffered too. He tells us that this life isn't forever, eternity is still to come. Lastly, the pain we suffer today is not eternal pain, separation from God is. He sent his son so that we would be saved from such horrible eternal pain. We can rejoice in that. I can't imagine sending my only son down to earth only to suffer the worst possible pain any person could ever go through - but he did. I'm thankful. 

I got a glimpse of who God is today. That's amazing. 

And I realize, there's no need to feel guilty, there wasn't much I could do to prevent it. I learned from a very wise woman this year to never waste suffering so I tried not to. When Harrison got home we talked about bravery. We built legos and I told him what being brave meant. That even though he was really scared, he still did what was right*. He was brave. 

And well, if he doesn't remember that conversation, at least he'll remember the Legos and the popsicle he got to eat for lunch! Sugar? eh!

Note the bibs and towels... It was easier than another load of laundry - don't judge ;)

Oh, and the dentist told him it was a silver pirate tooth so if he happens to talk to you about it, go with it :)

Love you all!

-Libby

*something I once heard from a Brene Brown TED talk.